Dear Fahrenheit 451 Read online

  32 Candles by Ernessa T. Carter

  The young-adult collection is also a great place to go for novels about real-life shit that doesn’t necessarily spend four pages describing the button on a cardigan that’s about to fall off because the main character’s life is “hanging by a thread.” In 32, our heroine, Davidia, grows up in poverty with parents ill-equipped to care for her and a high school crowd that doesn’t accept her. So she jumps on a truck and gets the hell outta there. Davidia, who finds solace in John Hughes movies, is looking for the kind of ending Molly Ringwald would get, and it’s so much fun to follow her as she tries to reinvent and, eventually, accept herself.

  Amy Falls Down by Jincy Willett

  When you get into a cynical reading funk and everything you pick up seems to have the word “dystopian” in the summary, what you need is a book about someone who’s just as much of a cranky misanthrope as you—and learns to love life again. The trouble is, it’s hard to find a book with that premise that’s not been touched by the pen of ole Pappy Sappy. (Pappy Sappy is an old man-fairy that sneaks into writers’ offices in the night to do a little maudlin’n’. He lives at Nicholas Sparks’s house.) You’ll get none of that with Jincy Willett’s darkly upbeat novel (that’s a thing), Amy Falls Down, about an older writing professor who lives as a hermit and has stopped creating stories. Just before she’s scheduled for a where-are-they-now type interview, she falls and knocks herself senseless on the birdbath in her garden and doesn’t get her wits back until she’s watching the interviewer drive away, having no memory of what was said. It’s the most heartwarming concussion story not about football you’ll read. But it’s also hilarious to watch Amy’s life spiral out of her tightfisted control after the interview is published and she’s hailed as a genius.

  Nobody’s Fool by Richard Russo

  “He never considered life to be as tight as some people made it out to be, but it wasn’t that loose either.” It’s a terrific line, describing the thoughts of this book’s main character, the lovable grump Sully; but it also makes for a nice summary of this sometimes funny, sometimes aching, always spot-on novel. Sully has made mistakes in his life, and some of them, like sleeping with a married woman, he’s still making. His bad knee keeps him from getting work, and the people he surrounds himself with generally annoy him. Moreover, his grown son seems to be taking after his old man more than Sully would like. Has his luck run out? Did he ever have any? Read this when you’re down about mankind, and you may start to notice a roguish glint in the eye of the curmudgeon who bitches at you about your grass being too long.

  The Sweet Potato Queens’ Book of Love by Jill Conner Browne

  This is my high compliment for Browne’s series of hilarious books, where everyone’s named Tammy and no one is holding their tongue: a man asked me once for a book recommendation for his wife, who was dying, and just wanted to laugh. And Sweet Potato Queens’ was right where I led him. The women Browne describes, a clan from Mississippi who love to dress gaudy and march in parades as well as hand out advice and recipes freely, laugh a lot at themselves. But more than that, they love themselves. And they want you to love yourself and love the life you’ve got left. And eat more Pig Candy. And wear smutty clothes. And laugh. Even better on audio so you can hear Browne’s southern drawl.

  All Creatures Great and Small by James Herriot

  I know this book is super old. It was written in 1972, and the original cover is a dude rolling up his sleeves while a bunch of random animals flee him. And he’s looking down at the horse, whom he is inexplicably about eighty times bigger than, like “I’mma get CHA!” Anyway, that doesn’t matter because no library will ever discard it because it is ALWAYS popular. People love this book. I know because everyone who checks it out stops at the reference desk to tell me how pleased they are that we have it, and they all have rosy cheeks and they cradle their copy like it’s a broken locket and they’re Little Orphan Annie—so it’s got to be warming some cockles. Maybe people read the warm memories of the veterinarian from Yorkshire out loud to their pets at home? I say this because sometimes the books come back with animal hair in them. But give it a go.

  Through Thick and Thin: Books for the Lazy, the Lively, the Long-Winded, and the Lethargic

  START HERE if you tend to enjoy verbose texts or if you think someone rolling their eyes at you and sighing is a normal part of conversation:

  I have found some of my favorite books while wandering through the stacks, not really sure what I was looking for (aka: supposed to be weeding the fiction). Sometimes I look for book spines that appeal to me or authors with some version of my name. Often, when I’m feeling in the mood to gobble something up instead of pore over it, I simply scan for thin books I can absorb in an afternoon (aka: while I’m supposed to be budgeting). In the fall, when I’m feeling back-to-school-y, I browse for big, fat family dramas and epic generational works. As readers, we’re not always in the mood for something specific, so a title that’s “pretty long” or “pretty short” might be all we’re looking for. I encourage you to wander in your public library this way. But, in the meantime, because I’m that good, I’ve compiled a list of books under two hundred pages and over five hundred pages for you to peruse. To enhance the feeling of a real shelf-browsing experience (and because I’m that lazy), I’ll only give you a few keywords about each book.

  So here it is, the short and the long of it!

  BEGIN HERE if you’re fickle (you’ll know because your mood ring will be drab brown) and weren’t even sure you wanted to read this passage:

  Here are some long books and short books.

  TINY TOMES, UNDER TWO HUNDRED PAGES

  I’ll just get this out of the way quickly, since I know you’re in a hurry. Anything by Grace Paley is going to be short and dense as shit with the most resplendent, impeccable, yet unassuming language and images and stories that will burrow into your heart. Don’t browse for her; seek her out.

  Still here? Want to try poetry?

  Poetry Primer Kit: Good Poems edited by Garrison Keillor

  Classic, Cream of the Crop, Being Human: Strong Is Your Hold by Galway Kinnell

  New, Strange, Honest: Dear Jenny, We Are All Find by Jenny Zhang

  How about short-story collections?

  Short Story Primer Kit: Selected Shorts by PRI Public Radio International (This is an audio collection of famousish people reading famousish short stories live in front of an audience, available through your public library or through PRI’s podcast on npr.org.)

  Comedy, Neuroses, Slice of Life: Do the Windows Open? by Julie Hecht

  Absurdist, Millennials, Absurdist Millennials: One More Thing: Stories and Other Stories by B. J. Novak

  Satirical, Sharp, Off the Wall: In Persuasion Nation by George Saunders

  Classic, Lyrical, Southern Gothic: The Collected Stories by Eudora Welty

  Novellas, anyone? (Novella translates to “widdle baby novel.”)

  Biography, NYC 1980s, Artists: Widow Basquiat: A Love Story by Jennifer Clement

  Fable, What If February Lasted FOREVER: Light Boxes by Shane Jones

  Subtle Prose, Everyman, Food Service: Last Night at the Lobster by Stewart O’Nan

  Coming of Age, Reason There Are Novellas: Goodbye, Columbus by Philip Roth

  Minimal, 1990s Japan, Quirky: Kitchen by Banana Yoshimoto

  WORTH THE WEIGHT, OVER FIVE HUNDRED PAGES

  Poets, Latin America, Visceral Realists: The Savage Detectives by Roberto Bolaño, 592 pages

  Nineteenth-Century New Zealand, Mysteries, Page-Turners: The Luminaries by Eleanor Catton, 848 pages

  Classic, Sweet Revenge: Count of Monte Cristo by Alexandre Dumas, 1,240 pages (Yeah.)

  Communists, Writer’s Block, Feminist Crises: The Golden Notebook by Doris Lessing, 567 pages

  Genetics, Love, Challenging Reads: The Gold Bug Variations by Richard Powers, 639 pages

  Children, Memory, Murder, Throw-Your-Book-Across-the-Room-Suspenseful: The Little Fri
end by Donna Tartt, 555 pages

  For Keeps: Books I’ll Never Break Up With

  Once, my husband, Michael, almost ran away with a Subway sandwich artist (this has a point eventually). He was describing the sandwich he wanted, and then suddenly the teenager taking our order was looking up at him with enraptured eyes, the heat coming off of her body so torrid, it popped the top button on her polo shirt.

  “That’s the exact sandwich I eat,” she whispered, voice and body atremble. I thought she might clamber over the sneeze guard and into his arms, Officer and a Gentleman style.

  Though I couldn’t be angry, because I know exactly how she felt (eventual point). When, after a long day of discussing James Patterson—cold-cut combo—and Joel Osteen—turkey breast—and requests for self-published e-books about space-alien president conspiracies—those weird Flatizza things—when someone comes in and asks if I’ve ever read Weetzie Bat or requests a biography of Freddie Mercury, I get hot and bothered myself.

  One might assume librarians are asked what their favorite books are all the time, but in truth it’s pretty rare. Sure, someone may wonder what the last good thing we read was, but they usually don’t really want to know. What they really want to know is if we’re hiding a yet-to-be-released John Green novel in the back.

  Thankfully, once in a while, someone does ask what we like to read and really means it. This list is for those patrons. God bless you, and sorry I leaned suggestively over the desk when you mentioned Eugenides.

  FICTION

  The Virgin Suicides by Jeffrey Eugenides

  I mean, you knew this was coming. All. Time. Favorite. I can’t help but read this book out loud because it is so beautiful. And wistful. And genius. Plus, it has the heartbeat of my home state of Michigan. And I know I’ve already talked about it and you’ve probably (hopefully) already read it, so I’ll move on.

  Dandelion Wine by Ray Bradbury

  The novel I read again every summer for its magic. You can turn to Dandelion Wine for any emotion. If you want to feel wistful, grateful, understood, heartbroken, terrified, or tickled, it’s all in there. It is the story of a young boy living in a small town in 1930s Illinois realizing how goddamn good it feels to be alive. But it’s also a story of every member of his family and the rebellious teens in town, and the old man trying to rig up a machine that produces happiness, and the joy one can get from a push-reel lawnmower, and the local serial killer. It’s the best.

  Wuthering Heights by Emily Brontë

  The book I read every late autumn for its gloom and gothic love. So I can imagine myself standing on a moor with the wind blowing my hair around. Sobbing, obviously.

  The Collected Stories by Grace Paley

  I dragged a boyfriend with me to hear Paley read so I could get extra credit for a college course and immediately fell in love. With Paley, not the boyfriend. Her stories are both forthright and lyrical. Open this collection to any page, and you will find a line with equal parts skill, wit, and heart, like this line of hers from “Enormous Changes at the Last Minute”: “You’re not so brand-new. The telephone was brand-new. The airplane was brand-new. You’ve been seen on this earth before.” She slays me.

  Heartburn by Nora Ephron

  Heartburn is probably the funniest novel I have ever read. After I finished it, I listened to Meryl Streep read the audiobook. Because Meryl does everything perfectly, I liked the audio version even more than the book. I never thought extramarital affairs and self-pity could be so hilarious, but they are.

  Charlotte’s Web by E. B. White

  I don’t exactly remember, but I think this is the first book I cried over, and I still never kill the spiders in my shower. That’s how you know a book has stuck with you.

  NONFICTION

  Living High: An Unconventional Biography by June Burn

  This autobiography of Burn’s daring life and travels was written in 1941 and gave me more guidance for living an intentional life than any modern biography. Just because she fucking felt like it, Burn, along with her husband, homesteaded on an island, moved to Alaska and lived in an igloo, and traveled across the United States with a wagon and a donkey AND a kid. I reread this book when I’m pitying myself because my husband didn’t make coffee before he left for work and I am forced to parent without caffeine because I don’t know (won’t learn) how to use the French press.

  Random Family: Love, Drugs, Trouble, and Coming of Age in the Bronx by Adrian Nicole LeBlanc

  This book goes deep into exactly what it’s like to grow up in poverty and without access to the everyday things most people take for granted. LeBlanc spent ten years researching and getting to know a family in the Bronx, following them in and out of homes and prisons and generations. You will know and understand them by the end as well. This should definitely be required reading for public librarians, and then they should make everyone else read it too.

  Yes Please by Amy Poehler

  An honest (and hilarious) book by a celebrity? Yes. Please. I connected with Poehler over this book so completely that I had to write her a fan letter, even though I knew she would never read it. Amy Poehler, you’re my hero.

  Living Beautifully with Uncertainty and Change by Pema Chödrön

  For hard and unsure times. When I’m feeling Buddhisty or when I just came off of a good shower cry—this is the book I turn to. Chödrön counsels folks to live happily in this unstable world by making peace with that very instability. It’s not too self-helpy, it doesn’t admonish the reader, and it’s written in clear and concise prose. A permanent nightstand fixture.

  The Diary of a Young Girl by Anne Frank

  I somehow made it through high school, college, and grad school—LIBRARY school—without ever reading this book. And I’m glad that I did because, when I finally picked it up, it was with the appropriate reverence. Anne is the number-one writer I wish I could invite over for dinner, because I would love to watch that bright young woman’s smile grow upon learning that she is an internationally celebrated author. Oh, how I wish.

  Collect Them All!

  ANNIE’S ALL-TIME TOP BIOS AND MEMOIRS

  Celebrity

  American Rose: A Nation Laid Bare: The Life and Times of Gypsy Rose Lee by Karen Abbott

  I Am the New Black by Tracy Morgan (Listen on audio, you will be shocked and awed.)

  Music

  Trouble Man: The Life and Death of Marvin Gaye by Steve Turner

  Girls Like Us: Carole King, Joni Mitchell, Carly Simon—and the Journey of a Generation by Sheila Weller

  Real Life

  The Beautiful Struggle: A Father, Two Sons, and an Unlikely Road to Manhood by Ta-Nehisi Coates

  Now I See You by Nicole C. Kear

  5 GRAPHIC NOVELS TO READ AFTER GHOST WORLD

  The Diary of a Teenage Girl by Phoebe Gloeckner

  Any Empire by Nate Powell

  Joyland by Emily Schultz and Nate Powell

  Killing and Dying by Adrian Tomine

  Girl Stories by Lauren R. Weinstein

  BOOKS ABOUT GIRLS AND ROMANCE THAT DON’T MAKE ME WINCE LIKE TWILIGHT

  Fiction

  Just One Day by Gayle Forman

  The Summer Prince by Alaya Dawn Johnson

  The Bermudez Triangle by Maureen Johnson

  Like No Other by Una LaMarche

  Dumplin’ by Julie Murphy

  Nonfiction

  Yes Means Yes: Visions of Female Sexual Power and a World Without Rape by Jaclyn Friedman and Jessica Valenti

  All About Love by bell hooks

  Just Kids by Patti Smith

  Epilogue

  I thought it was a really good and funny book. The girl seemed smart and funny and I liked her lists. I like ice skating too.

  —Annie’s Fourth Grade Book Report on Anastasia Krupnik by Lois Lowry

  Dear Reader,

  The above quote is multipurpose. One, because I hope you have similarly bright feelings for Dear Fahrenheit 451. Two, it illustrates that, even if you thought this
was a shitty book, you have to admit that my writing has improved since fourth grade.

  Did Dear Fahrenheit 451 make you want to reread a book you broke up with long ago? Did you keep notes of all the reading I suggested and now you have a gabazillion books on your list? Do you want to know where you can get a copy of The One-Hour Orgasm? You can accomplish all those things and more at—wait for it—your local public library.

  The library is genius in its usefulness. It can be a different place for each person who walks in. Your library can help you find a job, go vegan, read up on the new medication you’ve been prescribed, or learn a new language. Your librarian can listen to your knock-knock jokes or provide a safe space and helpful resources if there is violence in your home. She or he can give you directions to your aunt’s house, or tell you if a celebrity is alive or dead, or help you figure out how to give your kid “the talk.” All while keeping your ass swimming in books. And movies. And music. And Internet access.

  There is no other place where you can go and basically say, “I need help with this area of my life” and someone will respond, “All right, let’s figure this out.” Maybe your mom, but she’s not as good at “going online” as we are. So, please, go discover all the boundless glory awaiting you. And introduce yourself. Otherwise, you’re going to get a nickname based on whatever weird face you make or the thing you watched on YouTube that you didn’t think anyone noticed.

  This is my way of saying: Reader, it’s been fun, but I think it’s time we started seeing other books.

  All the Best,

  NOTES

  Killing Kennedy and others by Bill O’Reilly and Martin Dugard

  1. Suzanne Somers wrote a book of poetry in 1973 called (dramatic pause) Touch Me.

  Celebrity Autobiographies

  1. Some of these are technically memoirs—don’t get on my nuts about it.